This is the day! I never thought I would be this excited about a day that wasn't Opening Day or Selection Sunday or the Superbowl or any day that involves sports for that matter. But this day surpassed any of those, and I never knew that was possible. Sports have and I thought always would be my life, sorry Ashley, but today I realized that there is now someone coming that will be more important than any buzzer beater or walk-off home run.
So as you can see I had been waiting for this day ever since the last OBGYN visit. Well lets just say the nurse wasn't exactly game show host material. This is a huge day for us and she knows that. What parents walk in and say in a monotone voice, "I can't wait to find out what we are having." Everyone is excited about this moment, even the dead beat dad whose only worry is that he has to have sex with the same women for the rest of his life, he still cares if it is a boy or girl. Or the sixteen year old boy who didn't pay attention in sex ed and didn't know how to put a condom on so because he didn't want to look stupid he skipped that part of fore play and now just threw away his dream of becoming a professional ball player, he still cares if it a boy or girl. Even the mom who is a surrogate mother cares! So when the nurse says, "OK, let's find out what you are having." and then in the most boring way possible says, "It's a girl." Really? That's what all this excitement was for? For you to give me the biggest news of my life in a response that I get from a waiter when I ask whether they have Pepsi or Coke products? So this got me thinking, what would it sound like if the guy from The Price is Right announced to you what you are having.
"You are having... a baby girl! Say goodbye to those eight hours of sleep nights because this girl comes with a full operating digestive system that will have you changing diapers in your sleep. She also comes with lungs that could cry for hours and will alert you whenever she is hungry. And in a couple of years be ready to go out in public with her while she is wearing a pink princess dress, because when you try to take it off, she will cry until you put it back on. Wait there's more, because in 16 years you will be looking into buying a shotgun and telling your wife it's your new hobby, even though you will never fire it. But you will be cleaning it whenever your daughter's date comes by to pick her up. But that's not all, in another 10 years you will have a head full of gray hair while having to walk her down the aisle and give up the most important girl in your life. Congratulations!"
That is the kind of OBGYN office I want to go too! Our OBGYN shows us three lines on the ultrasound and tells us that it's a girl, so I ask, "What do the three lines mean?" She paused for a moment and then said, "They are the lady parts." She acted as if I was being perverted and was going to laugh like a stoned hippie if she would have said the words vagina or clitoris. (Ashley told me what the three lines were after we left.) I didn't know what I was looking at on the ultrasound, ever. She showed us her face, and it was so weird looking that the only thing I could think of was the scene from Species where the alien rips through the girl's stomach. So no, I didn't know what the three lines were, but I do now, thanks to the Hitler of OBGYNs.
Tip #17: Don't ask questions at the OBGYN office, it will be assumed that you are a pervert.
And this is when I found out who would be waiting for me at the gate when I land from my journey to, destination... dad.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
The Snoring: April 20th, 2011
Ever since Ashley starting spending nights at my house she complained about my snoring. In the middle of the night she would shove me to wake me up because my snoring woke her up. If I could I would stop snoring, but nobody has control over that. I would get so mad at her for waking me up when I was obviously in a good state of REM since I was snoring. Well you know what they say about paybacks.
I don't know what causes it but pregnant women snore, or at least my pregnant woman does. But it's not like a Fred Flintstone snore, it's even worse. It is actually heavy breathing with an occasional snort mixed in. This is so much worse because with a traditional snore you know what you are getting. With Ashley's kind of snoring, once I get used to the breathing and am just getting comfortable and ready to fall asleep the snort comes in and makes me jump as if someone just hit me with a defibrillator. I feel like I am sleeping next to a scientist in a Hazmat suit getting ready to check the radiation levels in Chernobyl. (More people would have been able to relate to Japan instead of Chernobyl, but it's just too soon.)
Ashley then realizes that she has developed allergies, which a lot of pregnant women do. So she decides to go buy these breathe right strips to help her breathing. Now lets just say I never really put two and two together with these nasal strips. I just thought it was a great idea because I figured she wouldn't breathe loud while sleeping anymore, but it never clicked that she would actually be wearing the nasal strip. So I come home from work one day to see that my pregnant fiance now looks like NFL middle linebacker Brian Urlacher. I didn't talk back that night in fear she would call an all out blitz and hit me from my blindside.
Tip #16: Your significant other will change throughout her pregnancy... a lot. But whether she becomes a scientist, a linebacker or even your own worst enemy, I promise you will love her more and more every single day no matter what.
And this is when I realized that sleep would not come easy on my journey to, destination... dad.
I don't know what causes it but pregnant women snore, or at least my pregnant woman does. But it's not like a Fred Flintstone snore, it's even worse. It is actually heavy breathing with an occasional snort mixed in. This is so much worse because with a traditional snore you know what you are getting. With Ashley's kind of snoring, once I get used to the breathing and am just getting comfortable and ready to fall asleep the snort comes in and makes me jump as if someone just hit me with a defibrillator. I feel like I am sleeping next to a scientist in a Hazmat suit getting ready to check the radiation levels in Chernobyl. (More people would have been able to relate to Japan instead of Chernobyl, but it's just too soon.)
Ashley then realizes that she has developed allergies, which a lot of pregnant women do. So she decides to go buy these breathe right strips to help her breathing. Now lets just say I never really put two and two together with these nasal strips. I just thought it was a great idea because I figured she wouldn't breathe loud while sleeping anymore, but it never clicked that she would actually be wearing the nasal strip. So I come home from work one day to see that my pregnant fiance now looks like NFL middle linebacker Brian Urlacher. I didn't talk back that night in fear she would call an all out blitz and hit me from my blindside.
Tip #16: Your significant other will change throughout her pregnancy... a lot. But whether she becomes a scientist, a linebacker or even your own worst enemy, I promise you will love her more and more every single day no matter what.
And this is when I realized that sleep would not come easy on my journey to, destination... dad.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
The Leftovers: April 12th, 2011
On Tuesdays and Thursdays I am in class all day and usually when I get home Ashley has cooked dinner for me. So today she cooks me chicken, mashed potatoes, and corn. Perfect dinner for me since I am a meat and potatoes kind of guy. Well for those of you who know me, I don't eat just one plate. Ashley had already gotten her second plate when I got up to get more. Ashley tells me not to eat anymore chicken because she needs it for lunch tomorrow. So I agreed because I am a great guy, so I go to get some mashed potatoes and I put my corn on my mashed potatoes as does Ashley. After putting my corn on top of my mashed potatoes I realized there was only about one spoon full of corn left, so instead of just leaving that left in the pot because Ashley will yell at me for that, I put the last spoon full on my mashed potatoes. When I sit down the conversation starts:
Ashley: "You ate all of the corn didn't you!"
Me: "There was only a spoon full left after I put my corn on my mashed potatoes so I just put the last spoon full on there too."
Ashley: "Now what am I supposed to eat with my chicken tomorrow?"
Me: "There are mashed potatoes in there."
Ashley: "OK, and?"
Me: "You can eat that with your chicken."
Ashley: "I can't believe you did that!"
Me: "Did what? Eat? You told me not to grab anymore chicken, and as hard as that was for me, I didn't. You didn't say anything about the mashed potatoes or the corn. As far as I am concerned they were fair game."
Ashley: "Whatever"
Me: (Pushing the plate towards her) "Here take it and use it for lunch tomorrow. All I am going to do is over eat anyways."
Ashley: "No the mashed potatoes and corn are mixed together."
Me: "OK, and that is how you eat them, so I saved you some labor tomorrow before you eat."
Ashley: "I don't want them mixed already."
Me: "What does it matter?!?! What the corn juice makes the mashed potatoes mushy?!?!"
Ashley: "It's just the point"
If you have absolutely no clue what just happened, that is completely OK because I was in the conversation and still have no clue what happened.
Tip #15: Starve if you are still hungry after your first plate because she might go Saudi Arabia on you and cut your tongue off for eating her leftovers.
And this is when I realized that I only get one serving of food on my journey to, destination... dad.
Ashley: "You ate all of the corn didn't you!"
Me: "There was only a spoon full left after I put my corn on my mashed potatoes so I just put the last spoon full on there too."
Ashley: "Now what am I supposed to eat with my chicken tomorrow?"
Me: "There are mashed potatoes in there."
Ashley: "OK, and?"
Me: "You can eat that with your chicken."
Ashley: "I can't believe you did that!"
Me: "Did what? Eat? You told me not to grab anymore chicken, and as hard as that was for me, I didn't. You didn't say anything about the mashed potatoes or the corn. As far as I am concerned they were fair game."
Ashley: "Whatever"
Me: (Pushing the plate towards her) "Here take it and use it for lunch tomorrow. All I am going to do is over eat anyways."
Ashley: "No the mashed potatoes and corn are mixed together."
Me: "OK, and that is how you eat them, so I saved you some labor tomorrow before you eat."
Ashley: "I don't want them mixed already."
Me: "What does it matter?!?! What the corn juice makes the mashed potatoes mushy?!?!"
Ashley: "It's just the point"
If you have absolutely no clue what just happened, that is completely OK because I was in the conversation and still have no clue what happened.
Tip #15: Starve if you are still hungry after your first plate because she might go Saudi Arabia on you and cut your tongue off for eating her leftovers.
And this is when I realized that I only get one serving of food on my journey to, destination... dad.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
The Feelings: April 5th, 2011
As I stated before, we sold Ashley's two door truck and bought a four door truck. Well I wish everything happened as easy as typing that sentence. We had the truck for approximately a month when I drove it for the first time since buying it. Within minutes I noticed a vibration when breaking. I asked Ashley if she felt the vibration and she replied, "Felt what?" So I explained to her I was feeling a vibration when stopping and told her to pay attention the next time we stopped. So while breaking the next time I had to get her attention and remind her again to pay attention because she has her moments like the dog Doug from the movie Up, "Squirrel!" So after she feels the vibration she says, "What is that?" I told her that I'm pretty sure it's the brakes and asked her why she didn't feel that before. She replied, "I didn't know I was supposed too."
So after fixing the break pads and rotors, Ashley called me about a month later on her way home from work and said the truck was feeling like it was going to stall out. She said she didn't feel comfortable driving it so I told her to pull over and I would come look at it. When I got there the truck wouldn't start. So I called to have the truck towed to a repair shop. Come to find out the timing belt snapped and the distributor went bad. While on the way home from having her truck towed, Ashley was sitting in the passenger seat pouting like a teen would if I had just grounded her from her truck. I told Ashley not to be mad because we can't do anything about it now, she yells, "Don't tell me how to feel!" Now when Ashley goes through her hormonal moods I tend to have fun with them, I know it's just like using a Caterpillar to dig my hole, but no matter how deep I get the hole after about an hour she will supply me with a ladder. So here is our conversation:
Ashley: "Don't tell me how to feel!"
Me: "I'm not telling you how to feel, I'm telling you how not to feel."
Ashley: "Rickey don't play with me!"
Me: "I'm not, I'm being serious. There is nothing we can do about it except pay to fix whatever is wrong with it. So by you getting upset your just making the situation worse."
Ashley: "Don't tell me how to feel!"
Me: "I didn't tell you how to feel, I only shared my opinion that time"
Then she realizes that if she just stops talking I will too.
Tip #14: Don't tell her how to feel!
And this is when I wish I could just sleep the entire time on my journey too, destination... dad.
So after fixing the break pads and rotors, Ashley called me about a month later on her way home from work and said the truck was feeling like it was going to stall out. She said she didn't feel comfortable driving it so I told her to pull over and I would come look at it. When I got there the truck wouldn't start. So I called to have the truck towed to a repair shop. Come to find out the timing belt snapped and the distributor went bad. While on the way home from having her truck towed, Ashley was sitting in the passenger seat pouting like a teen would if I had just grounded her from her truck. I told Ashley not to be mad because we can't do anything about it now, she yells, "Don't tell me how to feel!" Now when Ashley goes through her hormonal moods I tend to have fun with them, I know it's just like using a Caterpillar to dig my hole, but no matter how deep I get the hole after about an hour she will supply me with a ladder. So here is our conversation:
Ashley: "Don't tell me how to feel!"
Me: "I'm not telling you how to feel, I'm telling you how not to feel."
Ashley: "Rickey don't play with me!"
Me: "I'm not, I'm being serious. There is nothing we can do about it except pay to fix whatever is wrong with it. So by you getting upset your just making the situation worse."
Ashley: "Don't tell me how to feel!"
Me: "I didn't tell you how to feel, I only shared my opinion that time"
Then she realizes that if she just stops talking I will too.
Tip #14: Don't tell her how to feel!
And this is when I wish I could just sleep the entire time on my journey too, destination... dad.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)