The Pounds: June 21st, 2011

In the previous post "The Wedding" I said Ashley was starting to feel like Precious. Well she has never actually said that to me, but I know she is. I mean everybody would be feeling like a gigantic whale if they were pregnant, she has never had a belly and now it sticks out more than a white guy in an NBA game. So to make her feel better about the discomfort of her growing food catcher, I make her laugh about it. I always make jokes in reference to her belly, which she finds funny, as long as it isn't in front of anyone or on my blog. So let's just say she wasn't very happy about the Precious comment, but it was funny! I tell her she isn't fat it's just her maternal storage tissue.

I play beach volleyball on Thursday nights. The season just started and the first week we are put on the courts right behind the coed doubles teams. Now if you don't know volleyball, you don't understand what the problem is. I play 4 person coed which is more of a we-are-good-and-have-played-for-years-but-we-need-four-people-to-cover-the-court league. Now any type of doubles league involves very good players, and in volleyball if you are a very good player who is female you wear very little clothing to keep yourself cool. So the whole time I am playing, my backdrop are these girls with long legs and flat stomachs in little clothing, so Ashley can't help but see them. After my first game Ashley looks at me and says, "Do you think I will ever get back to my pre-pregnancy body." Now here is what makes me, me. I don't tell those white lies that most men do, I keep it real. Unfortunately my "keeping it real" moments end up like David Chappelle's skits of "When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong." So I look at Ashley and say, "Babe that is all up to you, the weight isn't just going to go away. You are going to have to work and it's going to take some time. But if you are asking me this question because of those girls on the other court, I'm sorry babe but you will never have a body like that." And this is when I open mouth and insert foot.

Tip #25: Keep your opinions to yourself and your foot out of your mouth.

And this is when I realized I had my headphones on but was singing out loud on my journey to, destination... dad.

The Wedding: May 20th, 2011

When I had asked Ashley to marry me "The Deed" was done but "The Test" wasn't. I kept telling Ashley I wasn't going to propose to her until after I got my tax money back because I didn't have the money to buy her an engagement ring. It was just my way of making sure she was not expecting a ring anytime soon, so that way when I did propose to her it was like an 18-wheeler hit her while walking through Walmart, completely unexpected! (Although with all the pictures of people in Walmarts on the internet nothing would be unexpected there) But when we had talked about trying for a baby she had said she didn't want people to think that the only reason I asked her to marry me was because we were going to have a baby together. I told her people wouldn't and even if they did who cares because her and I both know that isn't the real reason.

So then after "The Test" took place Ashley and I discussed the wedding date. I wanted to get married within a year because I didn't want to be that guy who looks like he doesn't want to commit but because his girlfriend was complaining about not having a ring he proposed and is engaged for three years. So Ashley and I contemplated dates when I finally said March 3rd, 2012. I picked this date because it's cool to say, 3/3/12. A cool and fun date to say means it will be a cool and fun date to remember, already planning ahead.

Ashley had a problem with the wedding date at first since it only gave her five months t0 lose the baby pounds. But I told her she could do it and pumped her up with motivation, I also used the people from The Biggest Loser as examples, telling her if they can do it she can do it. She believed in herself and what I was telling her and the wedding was on. She went through a month of looking at nothing but wedding websites and kept asking my opinion about different things for the wedding.

Then I think it finally set in, she was starting to feel like Precious (she is going to kill me) and realized that five months would be way to difficult, it wasn't enough time. So after much deliberation, meaning her telling me we weren't getting married in March of '12, we decided on a different date for good reasons. We decided to get married on October 13, 2012. As I said before in "The Announcement" Ashley's nephew was born on December 10th. And throughout my entire sports career I have always worn the number 13. So our wedding date has my sports number and the birthday of Ashley's nephew in it, 10/13/12.

Tip #20: Don't tell her she looks like Precious and give her all the time she needs to lose the baby pounds.

And this is when I realized that my expedition starts October 3rd, 2011 after the completion of my journey to, destination... dad.

The Bellyband: March 19th, 2011

I always fear that whenever the season changes, whether I go from jeans to shorts or shorts to jeans, that they will not fit because I either gained or lost weight over the past season. Usually I never have to worry about losing enough weight for it to matter, but I can not imagine going through that crisis with the same pair of jeans that I just wore a couple weeks ago. However even though it is not happening to me, it is happening to me.

Ashley can't button any of her pants. The only thing she can wear is yoga pants. This puts a damper on everything because now she doesn't want to go anywhere because she has nothing to wear. When I come home from work on the weekends I find her laying on the bed with my basketball shorts on because nothing else will fit her. So now I am stuck in the house because she can't go out without wearing pants.

Thank God for my sister! She told Ashley she has a bellyband, which to me sounds like that belt you wear that jiggles your fat but it is supposed to be burning fat and toning your abs (I watch TV till the morning hours and get up to date on my infomercials). But it is actually a stretchy piece of fabric that goes over your stomach and the top of your pants so you don't have to button your pants but covers your zipper so you do not look like a pervert. Someone is making a lot of money off of this and I am currently in the works to create one for guys. Think about it.

"Is your wife yelling at you because you didn't try on your suit pants until an hour before her companies Christmas party? Now you don't have anything to wear? Don't worry, because that's what the Keg Cover is for! Don't worry about trying to squeeze into those pants that have shrunk over the past year. Order the Keg Cover and be comfortable all night with no worry about popping off that button if you eat too much. The Keg Cover is 100% polyester and is made to stretch. It can also double as a replacement for that tight under shirt you wear to try and minimize your over hang but at the same time won't increase your body's temperature like a full t-shirt does!"

Tip #11: You will get the sudden urge to become an entrepreneur when you have a child on the way. Because you are trying to think of a way to become a millionaire before the baby is born.

And this when I started to worry about how I am going to pay for the flight on my journey to, destination... dad.

The Crisis: March 8th, 2011

On your first day of school you walk around with your schedule repeatedly looking at the classroom number on the paper and the classroom numbers next to each door looking for a match, and that is OK because everyone else is doing it too. But come the second day you are walking down the hallway like you know where you are going with no paper in hand, cool and collected. When really you are doing nothing but repeating the classroom numbers in your head hoping you didn't mix two classroom numbers together and be that guy who walks into the wrong classroom, does the awkward stutter step, and walks out of the classroom hoping no one saw you even after you heard the laughter coming from the classroom while you walked away. That was me at the OBGYN for the second time. I walked in like I knew what I was doing, had the expression like "been here done that", knew where to sit, what magazines to pick up and read, but really in my head I was coaching myself through every step, even breathing. I was like a duck in a lake, on the surface everything is calm but underwater my feet are going crazy. But luckily 'The Crisis' is not about me this time, it's about Ashley not gaining any weight.

Yes, the crisis is Ashley did not gain any weight since her last OBGYN appointment, she actually lost a pound. Now why is this a crisis you ask? That is an excellent question, I do not know if it was necessarily a crisis for Ashley but she made it a crisis for me. That night after the OBGYN visit Ashley wanted to go to Sam's Club, and we bought over $200 worth of groceries! Ashley thought she wasn't eating right, she thought she was malnutrition since she had lost a pound. So we bought a cow, a pig, and a chicken coop along with a fruit and vegetable garden. I felt like we were starting Noah's Ark at home.

Tip #9: Cancel your membership to Sam's Club until after the first trimester is over.

And this is when I hit turbulence on my journey to, destination... dad.