The Dog: June 7th, 2011

Ashley's emotions have been all over the place like Kherington's food will be one day. She has cried over this and she has cried over that, hell she's even cried over nothing! So how would she react if something devastating were to happen, something that she is supposed to cry about? I don't know and hopefully I will never find out, but this night I came very, very, close to Ashley having the biggest breakdown of her life, and in the end it probably would have cost me a lot of money.

Ashley and I were on the way to my softball games on this lovely Tuesday afternoon. I was driving down Lynnhaven Parkway when all of a sudden I had to lock up my brakes while going 45 mph because a little black dog ran out into the street. I didn't hit the dog, but it got me thinking. What if I did? Do you know the repercussions I would have to face from this hormonal pregnant fiance of mine? Well let me tell you exactly what would have happened had I hit and killed this dog.

The truck would have come to a stop and I would have jumped out of the car to try and help this poor dog. Meanwhile, Ashley would have remained sitting in the car with her hands covering her eyes and doing her best impression of Dorothy's "There's no place like home." scene from The Wizard of Oz. Now to make a long story short, the dog went to heaven, because that's where all dogs go (duh) and after I do whatever I have to do about the dog (not important) I get back in the truck. After I get in the truck Ashley would still have her hands covering her face and she would have a huge puddle of tears in her lap. I would try to talk to her but she wouldn't say a word to me. So instead of going to my games I would take her home since she needs some comforting. When we get home she would go straight upstairs and lay in bed with her face in the pillow as if she was 16 again and just got dumped. Now remember, she doesn't know this dog, she couldn't even tell you the breed, but she is so sad that he or she is now gone from this world. So sad in fact that it is now affecting her life. She would lay in bed for days, she would miss work, and she still wouldn't be speaking to me, because in her eyes I am now the "Doggy Killer." Because she is acting the way she is, and not talking to me, she would start to make me feel guilty about hitting this dog. I would have to find someway for me to make her happy again and forget about the dog we don't even know the name of. And the only way I know how to do that is to get her another puppy. Now how this works I don't know. Because it's not like I created a brand new puppy using the ashes of the old one, and I'm not resurrecting the dog in any way. Whether we have a new puppy or not, that dog is still dead, but not in the eyes of this hormonal train wreck I call my fiance.

But what really happened? I stopped in time, the dog ran out of the street without getting hit, Ashley saw the kids that were chasing the dog, and proceeded to yell out the window at them, "If you don't run after him, he won't run from you! Dumb kids!"

Tip #22: Travel everywhere using a segway. Your not going to hurt any animals with that, only your reputation.

And this is when I started to think about the what ifs on my journey to, destination... dad.

The Registry: May 28, 2011

Babies R' Us, Walmart, and Target, this is where I spent my day off walking around scanning items for the registry. Babies R' Us took us half the day alone, which is why I didn't understand why we had to go to Walmart and Target as well. Babies R' Us had everything we needed but we purposely didn't scan certain items so we could scan them at Walmart or Target, not my idea. So we had to remember what we scanned at the previous stores so we didn't also scan them at the current store. By the end of the day I didn't want to see a diaper or a burp cloth for at least a month.

Ashley kept asking me which ones I wanted to get, of everything. I didn't care about anything except the stroller, car seat, and diaper bag. Because I didn't want to be the guy that is pushing around and carrying an all bright pink Hello Kitty stroller and diaper bag. It'll clash my style. So I told Ashley we needed to get neutral colors so we could use the same stuff for our next baby as well. Also, I decided to scan the Eddie Bauer diaper bag. Not only was it one of the cheapest ones, but I will be styling when carrying that around, or as much as a newly-dad can.

While at Babies R' Us Ashley knocked down a whole rack of burp clothes while trying to scan them. I of course high tailed it the other way pretending I didn't know her. We of course were laughing to tears until Ashley was done laugh-crying and started to emotional-cry. I was like what is wrong and her only reply was, "I don't know!" So here we are in the middle of Babies R' Us and I'm standing next to a crying pregnant woman. I bet I could have won boyfriend of the day if they took a vote amongst guests.

While at Walmart I told Ashley we needed to go to the electronics. She said, "Of course we do." She said that because no matter what we go to Walmart for, I always have to go walk around electronics. I like to stare at the 55' Samsung 3D LED TV and imagine it in my living room. But Ashley didn't know that I wasn't going to just walk around, I was going to scan items for the registry. I started picking up bluray DVDs and to scan them. Ashley starts freaking out and asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was adding Disney bluray movies to the registry. She asked why in a panic voice like I was ruining the registry and no one would buy anything when they saw bluray DVDs on the registry. I told her, "Kherington will love Disney movies! All kids love Disney movies! Especially when they are in high-def!"

Tip #21: Make sure you find something to add to the registry that you will also enjoy. Remember it isn't all about the little one, it's also about the people taking care of her.

And this is when I realized how much stuff will be waiting for me when I get home from my journey to, destination... dad.

The Drugs: May 12th, 2011

A sick pregnant woman is a sad story, because if Ashley were too get sick there is only a limited number of medications that she can take. Which means she will be even more miserable than she already is when she's sick. So I made it through 20 weeks without a cough, only congestion as I discussed in the previous entry titled The Snoring. Could I really make it through the entire pregnancy without a cold? I mean I am 50% of the way there, could I be that lucky? No.

Ashley had been suffering from a cold for almost a week and Benedryl was causing her to lose sleep. She was having an opposite reaction to the drowsiness, which happens to some pregnant woman. So she called her doctor and found out that she could take Sudafed without the PE at the end. We went to the Rite-Aid down the street and they did not have the actual Sudafed brand but the Rite-Aid brand instead. We talked to the Pharmacist and he said that she can take the PE version as long as it didn't have this 20 letter long word that started with PH. Which on the front of the box it said "Physifhjnbskfchpasin" free. So we bought them but Ashley was still nervous about taking them, so while in the car I told her to look it up on her phone to ease her mind, which she then found out it was a no-go for anything with PE at the end. Ashley was pissed, she said, "Why the hell is that guy a pharmacist! He could have killed me!"

We then went to Walgreens to find the Sudafed she can take, she immediately found it, picked up the little slip to take the Pharmacy and of course they were closed. She said, "Someone has to be able to give me some." and I told her, "Ya, the pharmacist." So she takes the slip to the front register and ask the woman who replies, "Only the pharmacist can give you this, I don't have a key." Ashley then takes the little slip, throws it on the counter and says, "This is stupid! It's 4:55! Who actually leaves work at five o'clock! Where the hell am I supposed to get some Sudafed!? I can't sleep!" as she walks out the door. I followed her but first apologized to the two cashiers and explained to them that she is pregnant. Once we got to the car Ashley exploded, "Really!? 4:55 and she is gone!? She probably never leaves work early because she doesn't have a life, but today of all days she decides she's going to leave exactly at five o'clock to screw the pregnant woman who needs some Sudafed!" I told Ashley that I completely agree and think that is exactly what happened.

We drive to Harris Teeter, same thing, grabs the slip, takes it to the pharmacy, and they're closed. Ashley just drops the slip in the middle of the isle, walks away and starts mumbling. I just follow like a little minion from Despicable Me. I don't care what she is saying, who she is cursing, or where we are going, I only care about making sure I am in her view if she looks back. We get to the car and she starts cursing out the methamphetamine addicts who are the reason Sudafed is an over the counter drug. This hatred towards meth addicts goes on until we get to the next Rite-Aid, I endure a good 10-15 minutes worth of methhead bashing.

We park at the next Rite-Aid and I am praying to God while walking in that they have the Sudafed. Ashley grabs the slip and takes it to the pharmacy, which is open. She hands the slip to the pharmacist and the pharmacist says, "We don't have Sudafed we only have the Rite-Aid brand." Ashley replies, "Of course you don't. As long as it doesn't have PE at the end then I can take it, my doctor just says I can't take anything with PE at the end." The pharmacist asks why not the PE and Ashley tells her because she is pregnant. Then both of the pharmacist tell Ashley that Sudafed is not OK to take if you are pregnant. Ashley screams, "What the f***! I just won't sleep at all then! That work for you! Have a great day!" I told Ashley to call her doctor because obviously he told her it was OK, so I told her to just double check. She calls the doctor and he says some people say you can't take Sudafed when pregnant because it is considered a category C medication. Which means studies have shown that it causes adverse affects to reproduction in animals but there have been no studies done on humans. So basically nobody knows! Now that Ashley has an answer from her doctor that she can take Sudafed she goes back into Rite-Aid and is now the nicest person ever. She apologizes to both pharmacist and even the guest who witnessed her go crazy. She gets to the car, takes a Sudafed, and is now back to the loving fiance that I know.

Tip #19: Put her in a bubble like Bubble Boy so she will never get sick.

And this is when I started to apologize to random strangers on my journey to, destination... dad.

The Feelings: April 5th, 2011

As I stated before, we sold Ashley's two door truck and bought a four door truck. Well I wish everything happened as easy as typing that sentence. We had the truck for approximately a month when I drove it for the first time since buying it. Within minutes I noticed a vibration when breaking. I asked Ashley if she felt the vibration and she replied, "Felt what?" So I explained to her I was feeling a vibration when stopping and told her to pay attention the next time we stopped. So while breaking the next time I had to get her attention and remind her again to pay attention because she has her moments like the dog Doug from the movie Up, "Squirrel!" So after she feels the vibration she says, "What is that?" I told her that I'm pretty sure it's the brakes and asked her why she didn't feel that before. She replied, "I didn't know I was supposed too."

So after fixing the break pads and rotors, Ashley called me about a month later on her way home from work and said the truck was feeling like it was going to stall out. She said she didn't feel comfortable driving it so I told her to pull over and I would come look at it. When I got there the truck wouldn't start. So I called to have the truck towed to a repair shop. Come to find out the timing belt snapped and the distributor went bad. While on the way home from having her truck towed, Ashley was sitting in the passenger seat pouting like a teen would if I had just grounded her from her truck. I told Ashley not to be mad because we can't do anything about it now, she yells, "Don't tell me how to feel!" Now when Ashley goes through her hormonal moods I tend to have fun with them, I know it's just like using a Caterpillar to dig my hole, but no matter how deep I get the hole after about an hour she will supply me with a ladder. So here is our conversation:

Ashley: "Don't tell me how to feel!"

Me: "I'm not telling you how to feel, I'm telling you how not to feel."

Ashley: "Rickey don't play with me!"

Me: "I'm not, I'm being serious. There is nothing we can do about it except pay to fix whatever is wrong with it. So by you getting upset your just making the situation worse."

Ashley: "Don't tell me how to feel!"

Me: "I didn't tell you how to feel, I only shared my opinion that time"

Then she realizes that if she just stops talking I will too.

Tip #14: Don't tell her how to feel!

And this is when I wish I could just sleep the entire time on my journey too, destination... dad.

The Moods: February 23rd, 2011

No article, no advice, no one, could have prepared me for the mood swings that I have gone through in the past two months. In a matter of a second my house goes from Pleasantville to Pearl Harbor. The other day Ashley asks me to do the dishes and I said I would before I went to bed, mind you the basketball game was on. She falls asleep on the couch as I am watching the end of the basketball game, I wake her up to go upstairs to bed, forgetting all about the dishes. The next morning Kamikaze planes were crashing into my living room. Ashley is going ballistic, her mouth is like the machine gun on the Kamikaze plane and instead of just committing suicide and crashing into me she decides to shoot me with a thousand bullets first, making sure I feel the wrath.

Now Ashley knows what she signed up for, she knows I have been diagnosed by my father with CRS (Can't Remember Shit). I have to write my name on my hand before going to bed so I can remember it the next morning, not really, but you get the point. There have been plenty of instances before where I forgot to do the dishes, but none were more important to her than this night. These were special dishes, these were the Taj Mahal of dishes. She acted as if I didn't clean those dishes that night then mold was going to grow on them, she would then breathe in this moldy air as she was asleep and our baby would come out looking like the people from The Hills Have Eyes.

Tip #7: No matter how bad you want to shout at her the line, "F*** you hormones" from Knocked Up... don't.

And this is when I started to take on enemy aircraft on my journey to, destination... dad.