My parents arrived and that made the situation even harder, me seeing my parents had me thinking 'will Kherington ever see her's again.' Then having to go tell all my friends who were at the hospital waiting to see her was just as hard. They were down in the cafeteria laughing and having fun, they weren't expecting news like this. Nobody was!
The transport arrived and said they were loading Kherington up to prepare her for the car ride to CHKD and they would bring her by so we could see her before she left. When they brought her in the room she looked like a science experiment. She had a ton of wires and tubes connected to her and she was inside a plastic box, like an incubator. She was sedated, and they let us open the side door so we could hold her hand and let her know everything was going to be okay. They gave us her first picture that they took after her bath, wires and all.
I rode with my parents to CHKD because I was in no shape to drive a vehicle. I stared at the picture almost the entire way. I was sitting in the back seat and would occasionally stare out the window, just wondering if Kherington was ever going to get to enjoy this world that we all complain about so much.
We get to CHKD with all my friends behind us. They all came with me and would stay with me until the middle of the morning, and most of them had to work the next day. That meant so much to me, to know that I had that much support from family and friends was unbelievable. After Kherington arrived at CHKD they told us that it would be a couple of hours until I would get to see her because they had to get everything hooked up and get her stable. Two hours seemed like an eternity, I don't care how many people you have there to distract you from the present. You might for one second get to take your mind off of reality but then in a blink of an eye it always comes back.
I would sit there and zone out at times. Everybody talking around me and I heard nothing. I would just sit there and think about if I would ever get to hold my daughter again. I got to hold her for five minutes and I couldn't even remember those five minutes. I thought about if I would ever get to kick the soccer ball around in the front yard or play with barbies or build forts in the dining room with chairs, blankets, and pillows. I just didn't understand why this was happening.
I finally got the call that I could go see my baby girl. When I walked in it was an experience in itself. There were eight stations all with babies in plastic boxes. One of the saddest places I have ever been too. I had to scrub my arms with soap all the way up to elbows, and then use 2 squirts of hand sanitizer on each arm up to the elbow before I could enter. Then I had to put on a full upper body scrub along with a surgical mouth cover thingy. When I finally got to go see Kherington she looked even more like a science experiment. She had more tubes and hoses than before along with four different monitors hooked up to her. It was just awful.
I was in there for about four hours while my mom, dad, sister, and Kherington's Godfather, Stoney, all took turns coming in to see her. They only allow two people at her bedside at a time. After everyone had their turn to come see Kherington I stayed for a little bit longer and had some alone time with her. I just stared at her and prayed. I felt like a bad father because there was nothing I could do, and that is my job as a father is to protect her from everything!
While I was there alone the doctor came by and spoke with me. He really gave me the worse news I could have possibly wanted, but then again I asked him to tell me the truth and forget about that bedside manner bull crap. He said that they were giving her a plasma transplant to help with the bleeding in her lung, and hoping that it would clot by itself. He then said the problem is if that hole in her lung were to clot, the blood still left in her lung is too deep for them to suck out with a tube. He then explained, the problem with blood sitting in her lung is that our lungs have a chemical that it produces which keeps our lungs moist and open. With the blood just sitting in her lung it can soak up that chemical and her lungs can dry out causing her to not being able to breathe. When this happens there is a synthetic form of this chemical called surfactin that they can inject into her lungs to stop them from drying and closing. The problem is that this chemical would most likely knock the clot out and she would start bleeding into her lung again, and by knocking that clot out, it could cause the hole to become larger, causing her to bleed even more into her lung. He said that if she doesn't need the surfactin by noon tomorrow then he thinks she will be fine because that means the bleeding would have stopped by then and the blood left in her lung wouldn't be enough to cause problems. So I looked at the doctor and said, "So you are telling me that if she can get to noon tomorrow she will be fine, if not she will either suffocate to death or she will drown in her own blood." The doctor really didn't say anything because I was right. Try going back to your family and friends and telling them that.
I went back to the room where it got dead quiet when I walked in. Before I said anything about Kherington I asked, "Did the Cardinals win?" Which everyone said yes, so I had a bitter sweet moment. Then I explained the scenario that was happening. Telling your loved ones that news without breaking down is the hardest thing I have ever done. Seeing every one's face when saying that, and seeing their expressions, was heart breaking. I still don't know how I held it together.
Ashley was still at the hospital where she had to stay overnight. I called her and told her I got to see Kherington but didn't tell her what the doctor and I had talked about. She needed to get rest and get better and I didn't need her ripping needles and tubes out of her arm screaming at the doctors and nurses to let her leave. So I lied to her, but it was the right thing to do. She will hate me for it later, but I think she will also thank me.
It was about 2 o'clock in the morning when everyone started to head home. The nurse had just come in and told us that Kherington's blood test came back and her plasma levels were up, which was a good sign for the clotting issue. So since we got good news I think some people wanted to end on that note. My friend Jake actually stayed with me that night. They don't have rooms for you to sleep in at CHKD but I talked to the nurse and told her I wasn't leaving. She was nice enough to put me in one of the breast pumping rooms that had fold down chairs. They were harder than the floor, but after all I had been through I was exhausted and was asleep before I hit the pillow. She had told us that we had to be out by 8am since that is when they open the rooms for ladies to pump. Last thing I think a lady wants to do is walk into a room she thinks she is going to be pumping in and two guys are asleep in both chairs.
So my alarm went off at 7am...
Showing posts with label Cry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cry. Show all posts
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
The Aftermath: September 28, 2011
After Kherington got cleaned up and had a couple of tests done, I was able to hold her for the first time. It seemed as if the entire world just stopped. I held her in my arms and just stared at her while she was cuddled up and asleep in her blanket. I just couldn't believe that this actually happened, I am now a father, officially! I created her!
Ashley was going to try and breast feed for the first time, so I decided I was going to go home take a shower and get some things. Upon my return Ashley had been moved into another, smaller, room and we were just waiting for them to bring Kherington back. A couple of my friends had arrived and we were just waiting in the room when the pediatrician came in and asked to speak with the family alone. My friends stepped out of the room, closing the door behind them. The pediatrician told us that while they were giving Kherington a bath they noticed she was turning blue. Upon further evaluation they found that Kherington wasn't getting the proper oxygen she needed. Adults require only 20% of the air they breathe in to be oxygen. The problem was Kherington was requiring that air to be 80% oxygen, which is impossible to obtain from our atmosphere. So basically she was slowly suffocating. During these tests they also found that she had blood in her lung, and found that she was in fact STILL bleeding into her lung. The doctor told us that they are preparing her for transport to Children's Hospital of the King's Daughter (CHKD) where she could get the proper care and monitoring.
After the doctor left the room I completely lost it. I was planning on holding my daughter all night long while watching the Cardinals play. I had my whole night planned out. Was going to spend as much time with her as I possibly could. I was going to enjoy OUR first Cardinals game together. But now my worry of the night goes from "will the Cardinals win and get into the playoffs" to "will Kherington survive and will I get to be a dad?"
I started asking Ashley, "Why? Why is this happening to us? What did we do wrong?! All the drug addicts and prostitutes that have healthy babies when they don't lead healthy lives and here we are, two parents ready to give this child the best life and all the love they could possibly ask for and we are the unfortunate ones?"
My friends are already at the hospital, and I called my parents immediately to tell them. Of course, at a time when I need my parents to lean on more than anything, there is a terrible thunderstorm and the streets are flooding. Making it take forever for them to get there. Guess God was testing my strength.
Ashley was going to try and breast feed for the first time, so I decided I was going to go home take a shower and get some things. Upon my return Ashley had been moved into another, smaller, room and we were just waiting for them to bring Kherington back. A couple of my friends had arrived and we were just waiting in the room when the pediatrician came in and asked to speak with the family alone. My friends stepped out of the room, closing the door behind them. The pediatrician told us that while they were giving Kherington a bath they noticed she was turning blue. Upon further evaluation they found that Kherington wasn't getting the proper oxygen she needed. Adults require only 20% of the air they breathe in to be oxygen. The problem was Kherington was requiring that air to be 80% oxygen, which is impossible to obtain from our atmosphere. So basically she was slowly suffocating. During these tests they also found that she had blood in her lung, and found that she was in fact STILL bleeding into her lung. The doctor told us that they are preparing her for transport to Children's Hospital of the King's Daughter (CHKD) where she could get the proper care and monitoring.
After the doctor left the room I completely lost it. I was planning on holding my daughter all night long while watching the Cardinals play. I had my whole night planned out. Was going to spend as much time with her as I possibly could. I was going to enjoy OUR first Cardinals game together. But now my worry of the night goes from "will the Cardinals win and get into the playoffs" to "will Kherington survive and will I get to be a dad?"
I started asking Ashley, "Why? Why is this happening to us? What did we do wrong?! All the drug addicts and prostitutes that have healthy babies when they don't lead healthy lives and here we are, two parents ready to give this child the best life and all the love they could possibly ask for and we are the unfortunate ones?"
My friends are already at the hospital, and I called my parents immediately to tell them. Of course, at a time when I need my parents to lean on more than anything, there is a terrible thunderstorm and the streets are flooding. Making it take forever for them to get there. Guess God was testing my strength.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
The Memento: August 21, 2011
Whether you are reading baby apps for the iPhone, parenting magazines, or different websites, they all tell you that you should start thinking of a memento to have for when your baby gets older, to show them the experience and journey that you as parents went through during the nine months of pregnancy. Looking back, I am glad that I started this blog because what better way for my daughter to understand the loads of crap that her daddy went through while mommy was pregnant than a truthful, don't hold nothing back, tell it like I see it blog!
How will Kherington act when she grows up and reads this blog? I don't know. She might laugh a little bit, maybe shed a tear, smile from ear to ear occasionally, say, "Daaaad?" like she can't believe that I actually put whatever she is reading on the Internet for the whole world to read, or she might vomit on the keyboard while my blog builds pictures in her head she doesn't want to see and always hoped to never imagine. I don't know how she will react, but either way I think she will love it, just as much as I love her.
Tip #34: Think of a really good memento, one that will be around forever. But think of it early in the pregnancy and build on it, don't start whatever it is just in the final weeks.
And this is when I took a step back and really started to admire what I was doing on my journey to, destination... dad.
How will Kherington act when she grows up and reads this blog? I don't know. She might laugh a little bit, maybe shed a tear, smile from ear to ear occasionally, say, "Daaaad?" like she can't believe that I actually put whatever she is reading on the Internet for the whole world to read, or she might vomit on the keyboard while my blog builds pictures in her head she doesn't want to see and always hoped to never imagine. I don't know how she will react, but either way I think she will love it, just as much as I love her.
Tip #34: Think of a really good memento, one that will be around forever. But think of it early in the pregnancy and build on it, don't start whatever it is just in the final weeks.
And this is when I took a step back and really started to admire what I was doing on my journey to, destination... dad.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
The Dog: June 7th, 2011
Ashley's emotions have been all over the place like Kherington's food will be one day. She has cried over this and she has cried over that, hell she's even cried over nothing! So how would she react if something devastating were to happen, something that she is supposed to cry about? I don't know and hopefully I will never find out, but this night I came very, very, close to Ashley having the biggest breakdown of her life, and in the end it probably would have cost me a lot of money.
Ashley and I were on the way to my softball games on this lovely Tuesday afternoon. I was driving down Lynnhaven Parkway when all of a sudden I had to lock up my brakes while going 45 mph because a little black dog ran out into the street. I didn't hit the dog, but it got me thinking. What if I did? Do you know the repercussions I would have to face from this hormonal pregnant fiance of mine? Well let me tell you exactly what would have happened had I hit and killed this dog.
The truck would have come to a stop and I would have jumped out of the car to try and help this poor dog. Meanwhile, Ashley would have remained sitting in the car with her hands covering her eyes and doing her best impression of Dorothy's "There's no place like home." scene from The Wizard of Oz. Now to make a long story short, the dog went to heaven, because that's where all dogs go (duh) and after I do whatever I have to do about the dog (not important) I get back in the truck. After I get in the truck Ashley would still have her hands covering her face and she would have a huge puddle of tears in her lap. I would try to talk to her but she wouldn't say a word to me. So instead of going to my games I would take her home since she needs some comforting. When we get home she would go straight upstairs and lay in bed with her face in the pillow as if she was 16 again and just got dumped. Now remember, she doesn't know this dog, she couldn't even tell you the breed, but she is so sad that he or she is now gone from this world. So sad in fact that it is now affecting her life. She would lay in bed for days, she would miss work, and she still wouldn't be speaking to me, because in her eyes I am now the "Doggy Killer." Because she is acting the way she is, and not talking to me, she would start to make me feel guilty about hitting this dog. I would have to find someway for me to make her happy again and forget about the dog we don't even know the name of. And the only way I know how to do that is to get her another puppy. Now how this works I don't know. Because it's not like I created a brand new puppy using the ashes of the old one, and I'm not resurrecting the dog in any way. Whether we have a new puppy or not, that dog is still dead, but not in the eyes of this hormonal train wreck I call my fiance.
But what really happened? I stopped in time, the dog ran out of the street without getting hit, Ashley saw the kids that were chasing the dog, and proceeded to yell out the window at them, "If you don't run after him, he won't run from you! Dumb kids!"
Tip #22: Travel everywhere using a segway. Your not going to hurt any animals with that, only your reputation.
And this is when I started to think about the what ifs on my journey to, destination... dad.
Ashley and I were on the way to my softball games on this lovely Tuesday afternoon. I was driving down Lynnhaven Parkway when all of a sudden I had to lock up my brakes while going 45 mph because a little black dog ran out into the street. I didn't hit the dog, but it got me thinking. What if I did? Do you know the repercussions I would have to face from this hormonal pregnant fiance of mine? Well let me tell you exactly what would have happened had I hit and killed this dog.
The truck would have come to a stop and I would have jumped out of the car to try and help this poor dog. Meanwhile, Ashley would have remained sitting in the car with her hands covering her eyes and doing her best impression of Dorothy's "There's no place like home." scene from The Wizard of Oz. Now to make a long story short, the dog went to heaven, because that's where all dogs go (duh) and after I do whatever I have to do about the dog (not important) I get back in the truck. After I get in the truck Ashley would still have her hands covering her face and she would have a huge puddle of tears in her lap. I would try to talk to her but she wouldn't say a word to me. So instead of going to my games I would take her home since she needs some comforting. When we get home she would go straight upstairs and lay in bed with her face in the pillow as if she was 16 again and just got dumped. Now remember, she doesn't know this dog, she couldn't even tell you the breed, but she is so sad that he or she is now gone from this world. So sad in fact that it is now affecting her life. She would lay in bed for days, she would miss work, and she still wouldn't be speaking to me, because in her eyes I am now the "Doggy Killer." Because she is acting the way she is, and not talking to me, she would start to make me feel guilty about hitting this dog. I would have to find someway for me to make her happy again and forget about the dog we don't even know the name of. And the only way I know how to do that is to get her another puppy. Now how this works I don't know. Because it's not like I created a brand new puppy using the ashes of the old one, and I'm not resurrecting the dog in any way. Whether we have a new puppy or not, that dog is still dead, but not in the eyes of this hormonal train wreck I call my fiance.
But what really happened? I stopped in time, the dog ran out of the street without getting hit, Ashley saw the kids that were chasing the dog, and proceeded to yell out the window at them, "If you don't run after him, he won't run from you! Dumb kids!"
Tip #22: Travel everywhere using a segway. Your not going to hurt any animals with that, only your reputation.
And this is when I started to think about the what ifs on my journey to, destination... dad.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
The Registry: May 28, 2011
Babies R' Us, Walmart, and Target, this is where I spent my day off walking around scanning items for the registry. Babies R' Us took us half the day alone, which is why I didn't understand why we had to go to Walmart and Target as well. Babies R' Us had everything we needed but we purposely didn't scan certain items so we could scan them at Walmart or Target, not my idea. So we had to remember what we scanned at the previous stores so we didn't also scan them at the current store. By the end of the day I didn't want to see a diaper or a burp cloth for at least a month.
Ashley kept asking me which ones I wanted to get, of everything. I didn't care about anything except the stroller, car seat, and diaper bag. Because I didn't want to be the guy that is pushing around and carrying an all bright pink Hello Kitty stroller and diaper bag. It'll clash my style. So I told Ashley we needed to get neutral colors so we could use the same stuff for our next baby as well. Also, I decided to scan the Eddie Bauer diaper bag. Not only was it one of the cheapest ones, but I will be styling when carrying that around, or as much as a newly-dad can.
While at Babies R' Us Ashley knocked down a whole rack of burp clothes while trying to scan them. I of course high tailed it the other way pretending I didn't know her. We of course were laughing to tears until Ashley was done laugh-crying and started to emotional-cry. I was like what is wrong and her only reply was, "I don't know!" So here we are in the middle of Babies R' Us and I'm standing next to a crying pregnant woman. I bet I could have won boyfriend of the day if they took a vote amongst guests.
While at Walmart I told Ashley we needed to go to the electronics. She said, "Of course we do." She said that because no matter what we go to Walmart for, I always have to go walk around electronics. I like to stare at the 55' Samsung 3D LED TV and imagine it in my living room. But Ashley didn't know that I wasn't going to just walk around, I was going to scan items for the registry. I started picking up bluray DVDs and to scan them. Ashley starts freaking out and asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was adding Disney bluray movies to the registry. She asked why in a panic voice like I was ruining the registry and no one would buy anything when they saw bluray DVDs on the registry. I told her, "Kherington will love Disney movies! All kids love Disney movies! Especially when they are in high-def!"
Tip #21: Make sure you find something to add to the registry that you will also enjoy. Remember it isn't all about the little one, it's also about the people taking care of her.
And this is when I realized how much stuff will be waiting for me when I get home from my journey to, destination... dad.
Ashley kept asking me which ones I wanted to get, of everything. I didn't care about anything except the stroller, car seat, and diaper bag. Because I didn't want to be the guy that is pushing around and carrying an all bright pink Hello Kitty stroller and diaper bag. It'll clash my style. So I told Ashley we needed to get neutral colors so we could use the same stuff for our next baby as well. Also, I decided to scan the Eddie Bauer diaper bag. Not only was it one of the cheapest ones, but I will be styling when carrying that around, or as much as a newly-dad can.
While at Babies R' Us Ashley knocked down a whole rack of burp clothes while trying to scan them. I of course high tailed it the other way pretending I didn't know her. We of course were laughing to tears until Ashley was done laugh-crying and started to emotional-cry. I was like what is wrong and her only reply was, "I don't know!" So here we are in the middle of Babies R' Us and I'm standing next to a crying pregnant woman. I bet I could have won boyfriend of the day if they took a vote amongst guests.
While at Walmart I told Ashley we needed to go to the electronics. She said, "Of course we do." She said that because no matter what we go to Walmart for, I always have to go walk around electronics. I like to stare at the 55' Samsung 3D LED TV and imagine it in my living room. But Ashley didn't know that I wasn't going to just walk around, I was going to scan items for the registry. I started picking up bluray DVDs and to scan them. Ashley starts freaking out and asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was adding Disney bluray movies to the registry. She asked why in a panic voice like I was ruining the registry and no one would buy anything when they saw bluray DVDs on the registry. I told her, "Kherington will love Disney movies! All kids love Disney movies! Especially when they are in high-def!"
Tip #21: Make sure you find something to add to the registry that you will also enjoy. Remember it isn't all about the little one, it's also about the people taking care of her.
And this is when I realized how much stuff will be waiting for me when I get home from my journey to, destination... dad.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
The Sex: April 30th, 2011
This is the day! I never thought I would be this excited about a day that wasn't Opening Day or Selection Sunday or the Superbowl or any day that involves sports for that matter. But this day surpassed any of those, and I never knew that was possible. Sports have and I thought always would be my life, sorry Ashley, but today I realized that there is now someone coming that will be more important than any buzzer beater or walk-off home run.
So as you can see I had been waiting for this day ever since the last OBGYN visit. Well lets just say the nurse wasn't exactly game show host material. This is a huge day for us and she knows that. What parents walk in and say in a monotone voice, "I can't wait to find out what we are having." Everyone is excited about this moment, even the dead beat dad whose only worry is that he has to have sex with the same women for the rest of his life, he still cares if it is a boy or girl. Or the sixteen year old boy who didn't pay attention in sex ed and didn't know how to put a condom on so because he didn't want to look stupid he skipped that part of fore play and now just threw away his dream of becoming a professional ball player, he still cares if it a boy or girl. Even the mom who is a surrogate mother cares! So when the nurse says, "OK, let's find out what you are having." and then in the most boring way possible says, "It's a girl." Really? That's what all this excitement was for? For you to give me the biggest news of my life in a response that I get from a waiter when I ask whether they have Pepsi or Coke products? So this got me thinking, what would it sound like if the guy from The Price is Right announced to you what you are having.
"You are having... a baby girl! Say goodbye to those eight hours of sleep nights because this girl comes with a full operating digestive system that will have you changing diapers in your sleep. She also comes with lungs that could cry for hours and will alert you whenever she is hungry. And in a couple of years be ready to go out in public with her while she is wearing a pink princess dress, because when you try to take it off, she will cry until you put it back on. Wait there's more, because in 16 years you will be looking into buying a shotgun and telling your wife it's your new hobby, even though you will never fire it. But you will be cleaning it whenever your daughter's date comes by to pick her up. But that's not all, in another 10 years you will have a head full of gray hair while having to walk her down the aisle and give up the most important girl in your life. Congratulations!"
That is the kind of OBGYN office I want to go too! Our OBGYN shows us three lines on the ultrasound and tells us that it's a girl, so I ask, "What do the three lines mean?" She paused for a moment and then said, "They are the lady parts." She acted as if I was being perverted and was going to laugh like a stoned hippie if she would have said the words vagina or clitoris. (Ashley told me what the three lines were after we left.) I didn't know what I was looking at on the ultrasound, ever. She showed us her face, and it was so weird looking that the only thing I could think of was the scene from Species where the alien rips through the girl's stomach. So no, I didn't know what the three lines were, but I do now, thanks to the Hitler of OBGYNs.
Tip #17: Don't ask questions at the OBGYN office, it will be assumed that you are a pervert.
And this is when I found out who would be waiting for me at the gate when I land from my journey to, destination... dad.
So as you can see I had been waiting for this day ever since the last OBGYN visit. Well lets just say the nurse wasn't exactly game show host material. This is a huge day for us and she knows that. What parents walk in and say in a monotone voice, "I can't wait to find out what we are having." Everyone is excited about this moment, even the dead beat dad whose only worry is that he has to have sex with the same women for the rest of his life, he still cares if it is a boy or girl. Or the sixteen year old boy who didn't pay attention in sex ed and didn't know how to put a condom on so because he didn't want to look stupid he skipped that part of fore play and now just threw away his dream of becoming a professional ball player, he still cares if it a boy or girl. Even the mom who is a surrogate mother cares! So when the nurse says, "OK, let's find out what you are having." and then in the most boring way possible says, "It's a girl." Really? That's what all this excitement was for? For you to give me the biggest news of my life in a response that I get from a waiter when I ask whether they have Pepsi or Coke products? So this got me thinking, what would it sound like if the guy from The Price is Right announced to you what you are having.
"You are having... a baby girl! Say goodbye to those eight hours of sleep nights because this girl comes with a full operating digestive system that will have you changing diapers in your sleep. She also comes with lungs that could cry for hours and will alert you whenever she is hungry. And in a couple of years be ready to go out in public with her while she is wearing a pink princess dress, because when you try to take it off, she will cry until you put it back on. Wait there's more, because in 16 years you will be looking into buying a shotgun and telling your wife it's your new hobby, even though you will never fire it. But you will be cleaning it whenever your daughter's date comes by to pick her up. But that's not all, in another 10 years you will have a head full of gray hair while having to walk her down the aisle and give up the most important girl in your life. Congratulations!"
That is the kind of OBGYN office I want to go too! Our OBGYN shows us three lines on the ultrasound and tells us that it's a girl, so I ask, "What do the three lines mean?" She paused for a moment and then said, "They are the lady parts." She acted as if I was being perverted and was going to laugh like a stoned hippie if she would have said the words vagina or clitoris. (Ashley told me what the three lines were after we left.) I didn't know what I was looking at on the ultrasound, ever. She showed us her face, and it was so weird looking that the only thing I could think of was the scene from Species where the alien rips through the girl's stomach. So no, I didn't know what the three lines were, but I do now, thanks to the Hitler of OBGYNs.
Tip #17: Don't ask questions at the OBGYN office, it will be assumed that you are a pervert.
And this is when I found out who would be waiting for me at the gate when I land from my journey to, destination... dad.
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