The Unthinkable: September 29, 2011

My parents arrived and that made the situation even harder, me seeing my parents had me thinking 'will Kherington ever see her's again.' Then having to go tell all my friends who were at the hospital waiting to see her was just as hard. They were down in the cafeteria laughing and having fun, they weren't expecting news like this. Nobody was!

The transport arrived and said they were loading Kherington up to prepare her for the car ride to CHKD and they would bring her by so we could see her before she left. When they brought her in the room she looked like a science experiment. She had a ton of wires and tubes connected to her and she was inside a plastic box, like an incubator. She was sedated, and they let us open the side door so we could hold her hand and let her know everything was going to be okay. They gave us her first picture that they took after her bath, wires and all.

I rode with my parents to CHKD because I was in no shape to drive a vehicle. I stared at the picture almost the entire way. I was sitting in the back seat and would occasionally stare out the window, just wondering if Kherington was ever going to get to enjoy this world that we all complain about so much.

We get to CHKD with all my friends behind us. They all came with me and would stay with me until the middle of the morning, and most of them had to work the next day. That meant so much to me, to know that I had that much support from family and friends was unbelievable. After Kherington arrived at CHKD they told us that it would be a couple of hours until I would get to see her because they had to get everything hooked up and get her stable. Two hours seemed like an eternity, I don't care how many people you have there to distract you from the present. You might for one second get to take your mind off of reality but then in a blink of an eye it always comes back.

I would sit there and zone out at times. Everybody talking around me and I heard nothing. I would just sit there and think about if I would ever get to hold my daughter again. I got to hold her for five minutes and I couldn't even remember those five minutes. I thought about if I would ever get to kick the soccer ball around in the front yard or play with barbies or build forts in the dining room with chairs, blankets, and pillows. I just didn't understand why this was happening.

I finally got the call that I could go see my baby girl. When I walked in it was an experience in itself. There were eight stations all with babies in plastic boxes. One of the saddest places I have ever been too. I had to scrub my arms with soap all the way up to elbows, and then use 2 squirts of hand sanitizer on each arm up to the elbow before I could enter. Then I had to put on a full upper body scrub along with a surgical mouth cover thingy. When I finally got to go see Kherington she looked even more like a science experiment. She had more tubes and hoses than before along with four different monitors hooked up to her. It was just awful.

I was in there for about four hours while my mom, dad, sister, and Kherington's Godfather, Stoney, all took turns coming in to see her. They only allow two people at her bedside at a time. After everyone had their turn to come see Kherington I stayed for a little bit longer and had some alone time with her. I just stared at her and prayed. I felt like a bad father because there was nothing I could do, and that is my job as a father is to protect her from everything!

While I was there alone the doctor came by and spoke with me. He really gave me the worse news I could have possibly wanted, but then again I asked him to tell me the truth and forget about that bedside manner bull crap. He said that they were giving her a plasma transplant to help with the bleeding in her lung, and hoping that it would clot by itself. He then said the problem is if that hole in her lung were to clot, the blood still left in her lung is too deep for them to suck out with a tube. He then explained, the problem with blood sitting in her lung is that our lungs have a chemical that it produces which keeps our lungs moist and open. With the blood just sitting in her lung it can soak up that chemical and her lungs can dry out causing her to not being able to breathe. When this happens there is a synthetic form of this chemical called surfactin that they can inject into her lungs to stop them from drying and closing. The problem is that this chemical would most likely knock the clot out and she would start bleeding into her lung again, and by knocking that clot out, it could cause the hole to become larger, causing her to bleed even more into her lung. He said that if she doesn't need the surfactin by noon tomorrow then he thinks she will be fine because that means the bleeding would have stopped by then and the blood left in her lung wouldn't be enough to cause problems. So I looked at the doctor and said, "So you are telling me that if she can get to noon tomorrow she will be fine, if not she will either suffocate to death or she will drown in her own blood." The doctor really didn't say anything because I was right. Try going back to your family and friends and telling them that.

I went back to the room where it got dead quiet when I walked in. Before I said anything about Kherington I asked, "Did the Cardinals win?" Which everyone said yes, so I had a bitter sweet moment. Then I explained the scenario that was happening. Telling your loved ones that news without breaking down is the hardest thing I have ever done. Seeing every one's face when saying that, and seeing their expressions, was heart breaking. I still don't know how I held it together.

Ashley was still at the hospital where she had to stay overnight. I called her and told her I got to see Kherington but didn't tell her what the doctor and I had talked about. She needed to get rest and get better and I didn't need her ripping needles and tubes out of her arm screaming at the doctors and nurses to let her leave. So I lied to her, but it was the right thing to do. She will hate me for it later, but I think she will also thank me.

It was about 2 o'clock in the morning when everyone started to head home. The nurse had just come in and told us that Kherington's blood test came back and her plasma levels were up, which was a good sign for the clotting issue. So since we got good news I think some people wanted to end on that note. My friend Jake actually stayed with me that night. They don't have rooms for you to sleep in at CHKD but I talked to the nurse and told her I wasn't leaving. She was nice enough to put me in one of the breast pumping rooms that had fold down chairs. They were harder than the floor, but after all I had been through I was exhausted and was asleep before I hit the pillow. She had told us that we had to be out by 8am since that is when they open the rooms for ladies to pump. Last thing I think a lady wants to do is walk into a room she thinks she is going to be pumping in and two guys are asleep in both chairs.

So my alarm went off at 7am...

The Birth: September 28, 2011

4:00 A.M.
I wake up to find out that Ashley had already been having minor contractions since 1 o'clock. I asked her why she didn't wake me up and she said there was no need too, which I then agreed and went back to sleep.

4:49 A.M.
I can't sleep with the nurse continuing to come in and out of the room so I decided to watch some Sportscenter.

5:49 A.M.
Only problem with watching Sportscenter so early in the morning is after one hour there is nothing else to watch. So I tried to go back to sleep.

6:18 A.M.
Can't sleep so I start to work on my blog.

6:42 A.M.
Ashley is now asleep and I am wide awake.

7:24 A.M.
I start taking pictures and video of this experience. Ashley yells and curses at me.

7:35 A.M.
We get our first visit from the doctor and Ashley is already 2 cm dilated! Doctor said at this rate we could meet Kherington by noon! They don't have to give her pitocin to speed up the process because she is doing it all on her own. Kherington can't wait to meet her daddy!

7:36 A.M.
Everyone is receiving mass texts from me letting them know noon is the time for my scheduled landing.

8:02 A.M.
Ashley's contractions are bad. She sounds like a wounded seal.

8:05 A.M.
Ashley is screaming for the epidural even though the doctor told her to wait till she is about 4 cm. But what do doctors know?!

8:32 A.M.
By this time Ashley's body is an ocean of sweat and she is screaming for an epidural like Mel Gibson screamed for his son in Ransom.

8:35 A.M.
I step outside the room to grab the nurse so Ashley can get her epidural shot and from the hallway her room sounds like a scene from Hostel. She sounded like she was being tortured.

8:46 A.M.
While Ashley is laying there screaming and cursing at me, I asked her, "This doesn't mean we aren't going to have another one right?" Wrong question to ask!

9:05 A.M.
Here comes the epidural man to save my day!

9:11 A.M.
Ashley is asleep.

9:20 A.M.
I'm asleep.

10:15 A.M.
My mom is the first person to come visit since we heard our target time of noon.

10:56 A.M.
Ashley is at 9 cm! It is almost time! My facebook and twitter are constantly being updated along with my mass texts being sent out.

11:12 A.M.
Ashley's dad is here now!

11:20 A.M.
Trying to figure out if we will be all set in our room for the St. Louis Cardinals game at 8 o'clock. They have to win to force a one game playoff but if the Atlanta Braves lose and the Cardinals win the Cardinals clinch the NL Wild Card. So Kherington didn't come on a Sunday to interfere with the NFL games but now she might interfere with one of MLB's biggest nights? I can already see that this is a sign from God telling me she will be getting in the way of a lot of sporting events in the future.

11:52 A.M.
We find out that Dr. Hardy has a C-section at 12 o'clock and that he will be in afterwards. The nurse says Ashley is still at 9 cm and she is going to give her some pitocin to help to that last centimeter.

12:10 P.M.
The wounded seal is back.

12:57 P.M.
The wounded seal is still, well... wounded.

1:05 P.M.
The nurses come in and gives us the instructions for when Ashley pushes. How to hold her smelly feet, where to give her leg support, and how to count to ten.

1:26 P.M.
Still pushing. Facebook and twitter getting constantly updated.

1:31 P.M.
Well hello Dr. Hardy!

1:47 P.M.
I can see her head! This is so amazing! Haven't started crying yet!

1:50 P.M.
O-M-G! (Yes, I just used OMG to explain my feelings. I am at an emotional state, give me a break!) This is by far the neatest most awesomest (Yes, awesomest) experience I have ever had!

1:53 P.M.
Her head is out! And tears form.

1:54 P.M.
Little miss Kherington Marie is born, cue the water works. The 10 or so seconds it took for her to start crying was probably the most nerve wrecking experience, and I couldn't even see her because my eyes were blurry. Her stats are 7 lbs. and 19.25 inches.

1:55 P.M.
I cut the umbilical cord which was like taking a pair of kitchen shears and cutting a garden hose. Not as easy as it looks!

1:57 P.M.
Ashley gets to hold the love of her life. I look at Kherington in her eyes and I can see she gave me the, "Move aside I'm number one now!" look. Already this child has her mother's attitude. Unbelievable.

2:01 P.M.
I get to hold my beautiful baby girl. Greatest moment of my life. I finally got to meet her.

2:07 P.M.
Family and friends are allowed to come into the room and share this experience with us. Thank you to all who showed up and thank you to everyone who didn't because that would have been really crowded then.

Tip #42: Watch your child being born. It sounds disgusting and in every video you watch before hand it is disgusting. But when that is your child being born, and you are watching him or her start their life. It is absolutely breath taking.

And this is when my plane landed on my journey to, destination... dad.

The Pictures: September 3rd, 2011

Ashley wanted to get pregnancy pictures done but I hate having my picture taken since I am wanted in three states (not really but that's always my excuse). So I decided that I would bypass my need for Ashley's need (what a great fiance I am!). She set up an appointment for 8am on a Saturday morning, and we were late.

Ashley bought me a button down shirt to wear for the pictures, I didn't complain because I got a new button down out of the deal. Well I went to iron it that morning and asked Ashley to plug the iron in so it can get hot while I showered. So after I shower I start ironing my shirt and it is taking forever, the wrinkles are not coming out! So I ironed that shirt for about 15 minutes until I decided to feel the iron, it was cold. Ashley plugged it in but didn't turn it on. So I wasn't ironing my shirt I was just flattening it out.

We arrived at the picture place at 8:14 a.m. and a big fat gay guy who looked like Cam from Modern Family told us if we had arrived one more minute later we would have had to reschedule, but what he doesn't know is there wouldn't have been a rescheduling, because I only agree to do this once.

We got pictures with her ODU bib and more importantly with Jonny bear. Ashley loves all of the pictures and we ended up buying way too many of them. Fortunately we have enough friends and family who love us and will help find a wall to hang them all on.

Tip #36: I hate having my picture taken and no matter how bad my fake smile is, Ive never loved any pictures more than these. Get them taken if you have the chance.

And this is when I just kept looking at the same pictures over and over again wasting time until my landing on my journey to, destination... dad.