The Unthinkable: September 29, 2011

My parents arrived and that made the situation even harder, me seeing my parents had me thinking 'will Kherington ever see her's again.' Then having to go tell all my friends who were at the hospital waiting to see her was just as hard. They were down in the cafeteria laughing and having fun, they weren't expecting news like this. Nobody was!

The transport arrived and said they were loading Kherington up to prepare her for the car ride to CHKD and they would bring her by so we could see her before she left. When they brought her in the room she looked like a science experiment. She had a ton of wires and tubes connected to her and she was inside a plastic box, like an incubator. She was sedated, and they let us open the side door so we could hold her hand and let her know everything was going to be okay. They gave us her first picture that they took after her bath, wires and all.

I rode with my parents to CHKD because I was in no shape to drive a vehicle. I stared at the picture almost the entire way. I was sitting in the back seat and would occasionally stare out the window, just wondering if Kherington was ever going to get to enjoy this world that we all complain about so much.

We get to CHKD with all my friends behind us. They all came with me and would stay with me until the middle of the morning, and most of them had to work the next day. That meant so much to me, to know that I had that much support from family and friends was unbelievable. After Kherington arrived at CHKD they told us that it would be a couple of hours until I would get to see her because they had to get everything hooked up and get her stable. Two hours seemed like an eternity, I don't care how many people you have there to distract you from the present. You might for one second get to take your mind off of reality but then in a blink of an eye it always comes back.

I would sit there and zone out at times. Everybody talking around me and I heard nothing. I would just sit there and think about if I would ever get to hold my daughter again. I got to hold her for five minutes and I couldn't even remember those five minutes. I thought about if I would ever get to kick the soccer ball around in the front yard or play with barbies or build forts in the dining room with chairs, blankets, and pillows. I just didn't understand why this was happening.

I finally got the call that I could go see my baby girl. When I walked in it was an experience in itself. There were eight stations all with babies in plastic boxes. One of the saddest places I have ever been too. I had to scrub my arms with soap all the way up to elbows, and then use 2 squirts of hand sanitizer on each arm up to the elbow before I could enter. Then I had to put on a full upper body scrub along with a surgical mouth cover thingy. When I finally got to go see Kherington she looked even more like a science experiment. She had more tubes and hoses than before along with four different monitors hooked up to her. It was just awful.

I was in there for about four hours while my mom, dad, sister, and Kherington's Godfather, Stoney, all took turns coming in to see her. They only allow two people at her bedside at a time. After everyone had their turn to come see Kherington I stayed for a little bit longer and had some alone time with her. I just stared at her and prayed. I felt like a bad father because there was nothing I could do, and that is my job as a father is to protect her from everything!

While I was there alone the doctor came by and spoke with me. He really gave me the worse news I could have possibly wanted, but then again I asked him to tell me the truth and forget about that bedside manner bull crap. He said that they were giving her a plasma transplant to help with the bleeding in her lung, and hoping that it would clot by itself. He then said the problem is if that hole in her lung were to clot, the blood still left in her lung is too deep for them to suck out with a tube. He then explained, the problem with blood sitting in her lung is that our lungs have a chemical that it produces which keeps our lungs moist and open. With the blood just sitting in her lung it can soak up that chemical and her lungs can dry out causing her to not being able to breathe. When this happens there is a synthetic form of this chemical called surfactin that they can inject into her lungs to stop them from drying and closing. The problem is that this chemical would most likely knock the clot out and she would start bleeding into her lung again, and by knocking that clot out, it could cause the hole to become larger, causing her to bleed even more into her lung. He said that if she doesn't need the surfactin by noon tomorrow then he thinks she will be fine because that means the bleeding would have stopped by then and the blood left in her lung wouldn't be enough to cause problems. So I looked at the doctor and said, "So you are telling me that if she can get to noon tomorrow she will be fine, if not she will either suffocate to death or she will drown in her own blood." The doctor really didn't say anything because I was right. Try going back to your family and friends and telling them that.

I went back to the room where it got dead quiet when I walked in. Before I said anything about Kherington I asked, "Did the Cardinals win?" Which everyone said yes, so I had a bitter sweet moment. Then I explained the scenario that was happening. Telling your loved ones that news without breaking down is the hardest thing I have ever done. Seeing every one's face when saying that, and seeing their expressions, was heart breaking. I still don't know how I held it together.

Ashley was still at the hospital where she had to stay overnight. I called her and told her I got to see Kherington but didn't tell her what the doctor and I had talked about. She needed to get rest and get better and I didn't need her ripping needles and tubes out of her arm screaming at the doctors and nurses to let her leave. So I lied to her, but it was the right thing to do. She will hate me for it later, but I think she will also thank me.

It was about 2 o'clock in the morning when everyone started to head home. The nurse had just come in and told us that Kherington's blood test came back and her plasma levels were up, which was a good sign for the clotting issue. So since we got good news I think some people wanted to end on that note. My friend Jake actually stayed with me that night. They don't have rooms for you to sleep in at CHKD but I talked to the nurse and told her I wasn't leaving. She was nice enough to put me in one of the breast pumping rooms that had fold down chairs. They were harder than the floor, but after all I had been through I was exhausted and was asleep before I hit the pillow. She had told us that we had to be out by 8am since that is when they open the rooms for ladies to pump. Last thing I think a lady wants to do is walk into a room she thinks she is going to be pumping in and two guys are asleep in both chairs.

So my alarm went off at 7am...

The Aftermath: September 28, 2011

After Kherington got cleaned up and had a couple of tests done, I was able to hold her for the first time. It seemed as if the entire world just stopped. I held her in my arms and just stared at her while she was cuddled up and asleep in her blanket. I just couldn't believe that this actually happened, I am now a father, officially! I created her!

Ashley was going to try and breast feed for the first time, so I decided I was going to go home take a shower and get some things. Upon my return Ashley had been moved into another, smaller, room and we were just waiting for them to bring Kherington back. A couple of my friends had arrived and we were just waiting in the room when the pediatrician came in and asked to speak with the family alone. My friends stepped out of the room, closing the door behind them. The pediatrician told us that while they were giving Kherington a bath they noticed she was turning blue. Upon further evaluation they found that Kherington wasn't getting the proper oxygen she needed. Adults require only 20% of the air they breathe in to be oxygen. The problem was Kherington was requiring that air to be 80% oxygen, which is impossible to obtain from our atmosphere. So basically she was slowly suffocating. During these tests they also found that she had blood in her lung, and found that she was in fact STILL bleeding into her lung. The doctor told us that they are preparing her for transport to Children's Hospital of the King's Daughter (CHKD) where she could get the proper care and monitoring.

After the doctor left the room I completely lost it. I was planning on holding my daughter all night long while watching the Cardinals play. I had my whole night planned out. Was going to spend as much time with her as I possibly could. I was going to enjoy OUR first Cardinals game together. But now my worry of the night goes from "will the Cardinals win and get into the playoffs" to "will Kherington survive and will I get to be a dad?"

I started asking Ashley, "Why? Why is this happening to us? What did we do wrong?! All the drug addicts and prostitutes that have healthy babies when they don't lead healthy lives and here we are, two parents ready to give this child the best life and all the love they could possibly ask for and we are the unfortunate ones?"

My friends are already at the hospital, and I called my parents immediately to tell them. Of course, at a time when I need my parents to lean on more than anything, there is a terrible thunderstorm and the streets are flooding. Making it take forever for them to get there. Guess God was testing my strength.

The Snoring: April 20th, 2011

Ever since Ashley starting spending nights at my house she complained about my snoring. In the middle of the night she would shove me to wake me up because my snoring woke her up. If I could I would stop snoring, but nobody has control over that. I would get so mad at her for waking me up when I was obviously in a good state of REM since I was snoring. Well you know what they say about paybacks.

I don't know what causes it but pregnant women snore, or at least my pregnant woman does. But it's not like a Fred Flintstone snore, it's even worse. It is actually heavy breathing with an occasional snort mixed in. This is so much worse because with a traditional snore you know what you are getting. With Ashley's kind of snoring, once I get used to the breathing and am just getting comfortable and ready to fall asleep the snort comes in and makes me jump as if someone just hit me with a defibrillator. I feel like I am sleeping next to a scientist in a Hazmat suit getting ready to check the radiation levels in Chernobyl. (More people would have been able to relate to Japan instead of Chernobyl, but it's just too soon.)

Ashley then realizes that she has developed allergies, which a lot of pregnant women do. So she decides to go buy these breathe right strips to help her breathing. Now lets just say I never really put two and two together with these nasal strips. I just thought it was a great idea because I figured she wouldn't breathe loud while sleeping anymore, but it never clicked that she would actually be wearing the nasal strip. So I come home from work one day to see that my pregnant fiance now looks like NFL middle linebacker Brian Urlacher. I didn't talk back that night in fear she would call an all out blitz and hit me from my blindside.

Tip #16: Your significant other will change throughout her pregnancy... a lot. But whether she becomes a scientist, a linebacker or even your own worst enemy, I promise you will love her more and more every single day no matter what.

And this is when I realized that sleep would not come easy on my journey to, destination... dad.