The Sex: April 30th, 2011

This is the day! I never thought I would be this excited about a day that wasn't Opening Day or Selection Sunday or the Superbowl or any day that involves sports for that matter. But this day surpassed any of those, and I never knew that was possible. Sports have and I thought always would be my life, sorry Ashley, but today I realized that there is now someone coming that will be more important than any buzzer beater or walk-off home run.

So as you can see I had been waiting for this day ever since the last OBGYN visit. Well lets just say the nurse wasn't exactly game show host material. This is a huge day for us and she knows that. What parents walk in and say in a monotone voice, "I can't wait to find out what we are having." Everyone is excited about this moment, even the dead beat dad whose only worry is that he has to have sex with the same women for the rest of his life, he still cares if it is a boy or girl. Or the sixteen year old boy who didn't pay attention in sex ed and didn't know how to put a condom on so because he didn't want to look stupid he skipped that part of fore play and now just threw away his dream of becoming a professional ball player, he still cares if it a boy or girl. Even the mom who is a surrogate mother cares! So when the nurse says, "OK, let's find out what you are having." and then in the most boring way possible says, "It's a girl." Really? That's what all this excitement was for? For you to give me the biggest news of my life in a response that I get from a waiter when I ask whether they have Pepsi or Coke products? So this got me thinking, what would it sound like if the guy from The Price is Right announced to you what you are having.

"You are having... a baby girl! Say goodbye to those eight hours of sleep nights because this girl comes with a full operating digestive system that will have you changing diapers in your sleep. She also comes with lungs that could cry for hours and will alert you whenever she is hungry. And in a couple of years be ready to go out in public with her while she is wearing a pink princess dress, because when you try to take it off, she will cry until you put it back on. Wait there's more, because in 16 years you will be looking into buying a shotgun and telling your wife it's your new hobby, even though you will never fire it. But you will be cleaning it whenever your daughter's date comes by to pick her up. But that's not all, in another 10 years you will have a head full of gray hair while having to walk her down the aisle and give up the most important girl in your life. Congratulations!"

That is the kind of OBGYN office I want to go too! Our OBGYN shows us three lines on the ultrasound and tells us that it's a girl, so I ask, "What do the three lines mean?" She paused for a moment and then said, "They are the lady parts." She acted as if I was being perverted and was going to laugh like a stoned hippie if she would have said the words vagina or clitoris. (Ashley told me what the three lines were after we left.) I didn't know what I was looking at on the ultrasound, ever. She showed us her face, and it was so weird looking that the only thing I could think of was the scene from Species where the alien rips through the girl's stomach. So no, I didn't know what the three lines were, but I do now, thanks to the Hitler of OBGYNs.

Tip #17: Don't ask questions at the OBGYN office, it will be assumed that you are a pervert.

And this is when I found out who would be waiting for me at the gate when I land from my journey to, destination... dad.

The Boobs: February 17th, 2011

Every man loves boobs, we are infatuated with them from when we are born because it is our food source to when we become an adult because we still use them to satisy a certain hunger. Every male knows at least one thing about women when they get pregnant, their boobs get bigger. But what most of those men do not know is that the boobs are off limits.

Almost immediately I began to notice Ashley's boobs getting bigger, maybe they were just bigger in my head because I had anticipated the growth spurt, but either way I could see them growing. I've never really been a boob guy, I am more of an butt and legs kind of guy, but no fat kid is going to complain about a piece of cake with double layered icing on it!

But what if you were told you could have the cake but you couldn't eat it, you couldn't enjoy it, the only thing you could do was look at it?

Luckily, for me, Ashley got an invite from a friend to a "Tupperware Party." Now for those of you that do not know what I am talking about, a "Tupperware Party" is a girl only party where they have a representative come over with many big briefcases and show off the latest, umm, "fun toys." Now it doesn't matter if anything was bought, the fact of the matter is that after this party I got my cake with double layered icing, and I enjoyed every bit of it!

Tip #6: Tell the mother of your child that she seems stressed and she needs to relax and have fun. Tell her to schedule a "Tupperware Party" with the girls. If she doesn't know what a "Tupperware Party" is, schedule one for her.

And this is when I found out that I was flying over a very dry ocean on my journey to, destination... dad.

The Deed: December 26th, 2011

This is the morning our little TBD baby was conceived. Of course we didn't know this at the time, we found this out at our first visit to the OBGYN, which will be covered in a later post. Ashley and I didn't detect her ovulation or download any apps, we just winged it. We took the man's mentality and decided to build without using any instructions, glad we didn't have any left over parts. We agreed that we would keep trying until the beginning of the new year and if it happens then it is meant to be. Ashley and I woke up the day after Christmas to what ended up being more than 12 inches of snow fall. I know God made this winter storm so we could have our TBD baby, there is no other explanation, it never snows like that in Virginia. If we would have had Virginia's normal weather of 40 degrees yesterday and 80 degrees today, then Ashley and I would have went to work as normal, we wouldn't have gotten bored that morning, and who knows if we would be having this baby. Who knows if you would be reading this blog! So thank God my little swimmers were feeling like Michael Phelps at the 2008 Summer Olympics. I knew I ate 5,000 calories on Christmas day for a reason.

Tip #2: If you get lucky one morning when you were not supposed too, and a natural phenomenon is the reason, it is not luck.

And this is when I actually started my journey to, destination... dad.